Scrawny Santa

I don't have what it takes.

I get a lot of exercise, so I'm slender. Been that way all my life. As a result, I make an ineffective Santa Claus, with or without a pillow stuffing.

Nevertheless, I tried it once. Some friends who had come from outside the USA had a small baby. They invited me over for Christmas dinner (knowing full well that I could help with the cooking, I suppose). As a surprise, I came dressed as Santa, with my gift for the baby. But by the time the child was 2, I couldn't pull it off any more. Even a toddler can tell that I am not the real Santa Claus.

Some years ago, after I had sold a business, I had time on my hands. To keep busy, I worked at one of the major department stores that does a lot of seasonal business. A few years later, I moved to another location, and that department store had just opened a new store in my vicinity, shortly before the Christmas season. I figured they could use some seasonal labor that understood the drill, and I was right.

I wear my hair short, and the month was cooler than usual. So I took to wearing an elf cap and a matching apron. That also helped avoid confusion, since I was of the age and demeanor that otherwise might create the misimpression that I was the boss. I make a fine elf.

One day, as elf, I overheard a small child tell his mother how he had found a trail of coins on the floor, and was following the trail. Looking down, I realized that the trail led to me. A hole had opened in my pocket, and my loose change had been dribbling out as I worked. It was probably about a couple of dollars, but I sure wasn't going to give some kid a lifetime trauma by having an elf ask him for the change.

I had another use for the elf getup. In that era, I sang in a church choir, and we did Midnight Mass, then returned for the mid-morning Mass on Christmas. I was living in the mountains, and did not have enough time to go home and come back, particularly since I did not want to drive the roads while tired. I was too cheap to rent a motel room in town, and too reserved to simply crash at the home of one of the other choir members. So, after the Midnight Mass, I simply donned my elf cap, and walked around being cheery until morning, in areas where I wouldn't be mistaken for a prowler. I was younger then; couldn't do it nowadays.